Hi Everyone!!
I hope you are warm where you are, unlike here. I know, I know. Erica stop complaining, you chose to live in a state shaped like a mitten. Tis true. I blame my mom for dragging me out here at age 5 from California. I never had a chance. Ha.
Anyhoo, I did it again. I LOVE blogfests and Shelley Watter's Epic 140 Character Twitter Pitch Contest is one made of awesome wrapped in fantastic. It's EPIC I tell you. Don't believe me? Just look what the lucky winner gets....
I'll wait while you read and your jaw drops. I scammed borrowed this from Shelley's blog.
And the grand prize for one lucky follower? A FULL MANUSCRIPT REQUEST. You read that right. For the lucky grand prize winner, Suzie Townsend will request a full!
Yeah. Suzie Townsend. The awesome, the amazing, on everyone's list. Same one.
So head on over to the awesome, super, fantabulous Shelley' Watter's blog and sign up! Oh, and while you're over there, congratulate her for reaching 100+ followers, uh, 200+ now! YAY!
In order to make sure my 140 is as good as it can be, I'm gonna post it here and let you have at it ;o) And I will be heading over to the other participants' blogs and read those too (well, as many as I can)
Here we go...
Title: Anomaly
Genre: YA Science Fiction
Word Count: 72,000
1 mistaken brain scan. An island of future killers, a psychotic roommate, 2 hot boys, a revenge killer and a girl trapped in the middle.
* Revised based on a lot of factors
* Revised based on a lot of factors
Sloan's trapped on Killer island w/psycho roomie & 2 guys who help her uncover a plot that turns teens into killers and she’s the only cure.
Final Pitch:
The Desolate: an island full of teens predetermined to murder. Someone is taking advantage of that. Sloan is the only cure. No one is safe.
Final Pitch:
The Desolate: an island full of teens predetermined to murder. Someone is taking advantage of that. Sloan is the only cure. No one is safe.
Exactly 140. Don't want to waste any space! I could SO see Max Irons playing one of the 2 hot boys. How adorable is that smile?
So, what do you think? By the way, this is the hardest one I've had to do yet! Try it.
I CAN'T wait to read the other twitter pitches! SO FUN.
Have a wonderful weekend ;o)
<3 Er
36 comments:
The only part that gave me pause was 'revenge killer'. The rest was awesome.
I love where you're going with this. I'd just streamlining it. Sort of like this...
A botched brain scan lands Sloan on an island of rejects, where an insane roomy and two hot boys help her stop a killer bent on revenge.
I hope this helps and good luck! :D
Thanks ladies!! I agree revenge killer needs to go ;o) You both rock ;o)
I love the short sentence at the start - definitely grabs my attention! Maybe you could lose 'revenge' before killer (because, you know, most killers are fans of revenge).
Also, Max Irons FTW! Any excuse to put up a picture of him is totally justified...
Thanks, Caitlin! Good point!! LOL. Oh, seriously, love him ;o)
Part of me loves the staccato feel of the way you list the elements of the story, but part of me wishes it was more fluid. Either way, I'm intrigued and I would read your book right now if I could!
The concept of "future killers" is enticing. I like.
this is a lot of great high-impact phrases. All of them made me think 'epic idea'.
But in such a short space, I have a hard time piecing them all into one story and am not sure what the stakes are, which is the antagonist...I don't know where to look. Do the future killers kill the future or are they killers from the future?
Still...it's catchy enough to make me want to read to find out ^_^
Love the mistaken brain scan - definitely grabs my interest right off the bat. You have both future killers (love the concept) and revenge killer (which I know others have commented on, but wanted to point out the double killer) but you have me intrigued with the brain scan & psychotic roommate all wrapped up in the middle of what sounds like a killing spree about ready to be unleashed.
Great pitch! It's definitely intriguing, but I also wish it was a little more fluid instead of a list. Still! I'm intrigued.
I love the idea you've got going here, but the biggest stumbling block I had was that I have no idea what happens. It's a list - a very intriguing list at that, but there's no action. I think revising it to something like Brenda Drake's suggestion above would really make this shine.
Good luck!
Hey Erica - just my two cents: I really wish I knew the stakes or the antagonist. There's definitely some intriguing elements here, I just wish I knew how they happened in the story! :)
And the comment I'm having to make a lot today: For anyone who tried to leave me a comment, the problem has been solved! Would love to have your thoughts!
I was thrown by the number starting the sentence, plus with "future killers" the way it's written it could be either: they actually kill the future, or in the future, they will kill.
I actually like Brenda's revision. I got a much better feel for the story and characters.
Good luck!
Wow! This is one action packed book. you made 140 characters a mouth full, but in a good way. you really set up the story adn the stakes.
The only thing that stood out and made me re-read was revenge killer.
I agree that it is def action packed an sound slike fun! I simply think that you need to put it into a sentence instead of a list
I agree with the others. I love the high impact of the pitch. But, I don't know anything about the MC or the stakes. I'd attempt to scale this back a touch and add in some of the above.
I'd like to see something more fluid, as well. I think Brenda is right on with making your elements into an action sentence or two.
Lots of interesting stuff in this mix! I agree that "revenge" should be omitted. Maybe use a different discriptive since you already have "future killers", and this other killer seems to be a distinctly different character. All the best!
This reads like a shopping list or recipe card to me. And forgive the comparison, since I haven't actually seen "Shutter Island" but that's the first thing that popped in my head after reading this.
I'd prefer one sentence that focuses on just two of the above listed elements.
You have me interested.
Woohoo! It sounds great and I like the other suggestions. "would-be" killers could replace future, although it's an extra character.
How have I not seen that cutie pie before? And please tell me who you're picturing him as. I think I know, but I'm not sure, since as I told you, I pretend everyone has brown hair.
I like what you have, but agree with a need for flow. That's so hard given the word limit. It's going to be great once you work it out!
I like the fragment at the beginning, but I think we need some verbs in there. By the end, it felt like I was hopping word to word through a mine field, but I couldn't see how they connected.
I love how well the voice comes out in this. My only suggestion is to name the main character. Is it the girl trapped in the middle? If so, you can get rid of that last part and add her name to the first sentence, maybe explain that it's her brain scan that got her sent there.
Sorry if I misinterpreted anything. But this sounds really good.
I'm with Karen on this one. It caught my attention; but it needs a little connectivity. Good luck! :)
I liked Brenda's version too. :) Good luck!
I love it. I agree that it feels like a list, but I don't think it should be more fluid. I think you should replace every comma with a period. This gives us time to pause and think about each thing individually (all in one sentence is overwhelming), and it gives each phrase more impact.
WOW!! Thank you so much everyone! I'm working on revising it as we speak. I'm going to take in account everything you've said ;o) Now, I'm off to visit your blogs to see yours!! <3
Having been privy to more plot details, I'd go with something like:
"One failed criminal brain scan & Sloan is sent to the island of future killers-but It’ll take a roommate & 2 hot boys to evade a real killer"
I think you have a lot of cool elements (I'd definitely want to learn more) but I think you can weave them together instead of just listing them out... like:
"After a mistaken brain scan, a teen girl finds herself trapped on an island of future killers..." and so on.
I don't know how the brain scan fits into the story. It doesn't connect with your current pitch. I like how Brenda Drake revised it. It is an interesting idea. Good luck!
Erica ... if you go for the cadence of the list ... then you should include the first sentence as the beginning ...
1 bad brain scan, an island of future killers, a psychotic roommate, 2 hot boys, a killer and a girl trapped in the middle.
My only question is ... if the island has future killers ... use the word murderer ...
1 bad brain scan, an island of future killers, a psychotic roomate, 2 hot boys, a murderer and a girl trapped in the middle.
Sounds like a great story ... Good luck :)
I entered the contest too! Good luck! I just saw your comment at Elana's so had to come over. I love everything Foo too! Have fun at the 3D movie!!!
Great job Erica. I think it sounds really on point. I have such a hard time with these things. It is hard enough for me to write a query let alone a pitch right now. lol
Good luck on this. Anomaly sounds amazing, which I think I've said before.
Dude, totally awesome!! Well done. Sounds like a winner of a book, my dear.
Post a Comment