I hope you are having a fantastic weekend! Mine is going swimmingly... so far ;o)
Have you had a chance to enter the Show Me The Voice Blogfest over at the uber awesome Brenda Drake's Blog? Don't miss it, 'cause super-awesome agent Natalie Fischer of the Bradford Literary Agency is judging the contest!! What is the contest you may ask? Well, let me share a lil somthin' somthin' I
On March 20 and 21, post the first 250 words of your finished manuscript (any genre) on your blog to get critiques from your followers and then hop around to the other participants' sites and give critiques. Polish those 250 words and email them to me at brenleedrake@gmail.com with CONTEST in the subject line by 12:00AM (EST) on March 22 (This is my birthday, so while you all are scrambling around to get your entry in, I'll be eating a hot Molten Chocolate Cake at Chili's--all diets are off! Woot!).
All entries submitted before the cut off time will be considered. The first round will be judged by a chosen panel of your peers (agented and unagented). We'll pick the best 20 entries and post them on my blog by March 24. The 20 entries we pick will be judged by Natalie. The winners will be announced on or before Monday, March 28.
What you can win...
1st place - a critique of the first 20 pages
2nd place - a critique of the first 10 pages
3rd place - a query critique
How awesome and generous is Natalie? So cool!
Make sure to wish Brenda a Happy Birthday on the 22nd!! 'Cause she's awesome beyond words <3
So here we go! Have at it. I know it needs work... Those of you that stopped by for the Dark and Stormy blogfest may recognize the first line ;o)
Name: erica m. chapman
Title: Anomaly
Genre: YA Science Fiction
Mom always said, “Never fart in front of a boy. They’ll never look at you the same.” She also said, “Make ‘em laugh on the first day or you’ll be the one who’s being laughed at.” Her craptastic advice is what I’m going to miss most.
She straightened my collar and cocked her head to the side, her blonde curls twirling around her shoulder. “Don’t forget to—”
“—eat your green biotics,” I said, mocking her perky voice.
She swallowed me up with her arms, cutting off circulation to my toes.
I grunted out, “Love you, too.” She let me go and cold set into my lungs. I hated that I still needed my mom at seventeen.
As she waved goodbye, a black tear emerged from ten coats of mascara and slid down her sun-tanned face. “I don’t care if it’s the law, V–chat me if you want to escape,” she said, with twist of her toes.
At least a hundred mechanical voices penetrated the airport’s lobby, announcing flight numbers and gates. Two beams of light shot out of the wall and scanned my eyes. A tinny woman’s voice repeated my flight information.
I reached the terminal and a large guy with an evergreen shirt and bald head — similar to Mr. Clean in the old commercials on RetroTV — yanked my arm, practically pulling it out of the socket.
I jerked my arm back. “You tryin’ to get fresh with me, Mr. Clean?”
Guess I’m the only one that thought that was funny.
***
UGH, I keep reading it, and I'll admit it. I'm not really in love with it, so feel free to suggest whatever!
Okay it's 253, but I didn't want to stop it in the middle. I can't WAIT to read everyone else's!!
Okay it's 253, but I didn't want to stop it in the middle. I can't WAIT to read everyone else's!!
So, have at it ;o)
In other news... I've extended the 300 follower EPIC road trip contest for the SIGNED The Liar Society book & bookmark from the fantabulous Lisa and Laura Roecker!
So if you want a chance to win, hop on over here! Get that Latin dictionary out too ;o)
Later Gators!
<3 Er
In other news... I've extended the 300 follower EPIC road trip contest for the SIGNED The Liar Society book & bookmark from the fantabulous Lisa and Laura Roecker!
So if you want a chance to win, hop on over here! Get that Latin dictionary out too ;o)
Later Gators!
<3 Er
29 comments:
ZOMG! I love the changes you've made. :) You've introduced the new world in a way that shows us what's going on without telling. Yay.
And I love Sloan.
LOVE this! I'm not so into the Science Fiction stuff, but I'd keep reading this without hesitation! I adore the Mr. Clean reference (there was a guy at DragonCon one year who was dressed like him. The guy WAS Mr Clean! So very weird to see a living person...) and I laughed out loud at the 'never fart in front of a boy' advice.
The black tear of mascara was genius, and SO showing-not-telling. I can see her mom so well in my head with just that.
Only critique-type thing is her mom's 'with twist of her toes.' I assume she's turning and leaving, but it doesn't make much sense as written.
The voice is fantastic, and you've hooked us into wanting to know more about the MC and where she is going- and her possible need to escape! Nicely done!!
You've got a GREAT voice here! You hooked me quite well. You've got a few small world details, and some great characterizations. I'm very interested in where she's going, and why it's against the law to escape-- and why she'd want to. Fabulous job here!
Oh, this is awesome! I love the snark V's got going on. The only thing I'd suggest is that, hey, at 17, I totally still needed my mom. So I might play with that line a bit.
But! Maybe in this world, people shouldn't need their moms at 17, and if that's the case, totally ignore that suggestion.
Love the MC's voice, and her connection with her mom. Also loved the details of the world.
While I do love that opening b/c it's funny and tells us a lot about MC's mom... I'd like to offer the suggestion of changing it so it tells us a lot about the MC instead. You do get there with 'Her craptastic advice is what I’m going to miss most.' But I think that opening line should be about the MC, not her mom.
I love the snarky voice. You've introduced a great world and definitely hooks me into wanting more.
Mel - So glad you like the new version!!
A. Gray - Thank you! It's Sci Fi because of its premise, but it has a lot of other elements too ;o) LOL that's hilarious that you saw a Mr. Clean too! You know, I wondered about the whole twist of her toes thing, good to hear I wasn't the only one. I can definitely find another way to say it ;o) Thank you!
Steph - Thank you!!
Shallee - Thanks so much!
Shayda - Good idea ;o) Thank you!
Lori - Thank you for your suggestions! I have thought about that too. Maybe add at least a line or something about her first. Great idea! ;o)
Cheree - Thank you!
Oh, this is nice! I liked everything about it--including the sense of mystery around what's happening--except, like the others, the "twist of the toes" thing. lol Your MC has a wonderful, slightly snarky voice.
And bonus points for using the word "craptastic," one of my personal favs. :-D
I remember you from Chatzy. Hello! *waves* (/is Choco)
I like everything about this one, so my criticism will suck. You really nailed down the voice with this one. Also- Mr. Clean *snicker*
I wonder what's going to happen to her next. *ponders*
I love SF and you don't see enough YA SF in my opinion. And this is awesome.
I loved the crapastic comment and the ten layers of mascara observation. And Mr Clean! Great way to leave us dangling! You nailed the voice.
Not sure about this: "She said, with a twist of her toes?" It's unique, but I don't think it works unless you previously point out the cute little sandals and pink toenail polish or something like that? (of course opinions will differ)
Sharon - Thanks so much! I agree, twist of her toes, is gone! I didn't really love it anyway ;o) LOL I love that word too ;o)
Hey Choco! Nice to "see" you again! Thank you for stopping by and for your comment ;o) Hope you are doing well!
Margo - Thank you! I agree, I want more Sci Fi!! Good point. I'm losing the "twist of her toes" part, the masses have spoken and I'm listening ;o) Thanks so much!
Found this via the blogfest, and I have to say I am just loving the quality of all the entries, its just insane!
Yours is awesome, I echo the sentiments at seeing quality YA scifi and I really don't have any crits that haven't been mentioned already, like the twist of toes, lol. Your voice reads through loud and clear. LOVED the Mr. Clean line and mostly just want to know what's going on here! Haha. Good luck and great work!
Thanks, Kalen! I'm loving them too! Lots of great talent out there ;o) Good luck to you too!
Great job of dropping hints of setting and genre in. :)
Even though I love what's in the 1st paragraph, I don't think it flows as smoothly as it could. Maybe if you switched it around...
I'm going to miss Mom's craptastic advice the most. "Never fart..." Would that work better? I'm really not sure.
Nicely done :)
I was going to make the same suggestion Jemi did, of switching the order of your first few sentences slightly. Otherwise, I loved this very distinctive voice, and how this opening leads us into her world as well as inside her head.
Jemi - Thank you! I thought about doing that actually, so I'm glad you said something ;o)
Angelica - Thank you ;o) I agree, I think that's a great idea!
I loved it. Your description of the characters was subtle but showed us so much about the mc, her mother, and then the stuff about the world they were in...
I think you've nailed voice ^_^ (and lots of other things, too).
Love your first line. It made me laugh and drew me in. Great voice, I'd definitely keep reading. I'd have to say that I like the fact that you subtly worked in your MC's age and how uncomfortable she is with her dependence on her mother. Excellent. http://www.veritasoccultus.blogspot.com
i do love the voice here. i actually drew back a little with the never fart in front of a boy thing lol. it was a little shocking. maybe not necessarily in a good way, for me. however, i love the rest of it. I'm dying to know where she's going and why.
This is brilliant - gotta love that voice. I can imagine this being a winner for sure :)
I love the 'craptastic advice' and the 10 coats of mascara, etc.
Loralie - Thank you! I'm glad it came across, I always worry about that!
Lindsay - Thanks so much ;o)
AJ - Yeah, that's just her mom, she's pretty awkward and inappropriate. I wanted her to be different than other mom's and her weird advice worked! Thanks so much for the comment ;o)
Trisha - Wow, thank you so much, what a nice compliment ;o)
What a winning protagonist! Peppy and perky.
I think I switch around the sentences in the first paragraph, like Jemi said. Other than that, I think this is great!
Give me a snarky, sarcastic MC and I'm in.
No need for me to mention what's already been mentioned. Nice job.
Looking over the same 250 words will make your brain numb...
I'm so sick of my first chapter, I could scream. Guess that means I should work on something else, eh?
eeleenlee - Thank you!
Nicole - I agree, it was a good move. Thanks so much ;o)
Jolene - LOL I hear ya. Sick of mine too!! Thank you!
OMG, you sort of lost me at molten chocolate cake as I sat drooling imagining myself eating it. But your story reined me back in ;) There's a great sense of immediacy to it. I know she's about to go on a trip, and I'm wondering why and where. Her mom cracks me up, and her voice is fantastic. Honestly, I think you've done a fantastic job.
LOL, Mmm cake. Aw, thank you, Carol! <3
I love your excerpt. It's really vivid.
Have a great week.
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